It's peaceful now, on the outside. But there is no end to the tumult inside of me. My very soul feels restless, and even aches--somewhere deep in my throat, behind the dip at the base of my neck, where tears ache and gather. I want to be so much more. I want the world to be so much more. I want some miraculous release or outflowing which will somehow give meaning and vision to my world and those around.

Unleash this grief, this deep I keep nestled inside-- I know it is there for a reason, and I know it is beautiful, but it presses, and it weighs, and it calls out and nothing answers but faint echoes from far away. Words fail, I fail to find the right ones, they simply are not there-- but I want. I want I want I want, and that much I know, and that much I do not have, because I want so much more from life, and from myself.

But how much of me first must die? How much of those I love must atrophy while I sit and listen, watch--helpless. How much stagnancy and pressure can I take before I snap all responsibility, all duty, all love, all caution and run somewhere--free?

Give me my wine, and give me my cigars, and give me my silken-shirt, with no underclothes and no regrets. Tomorrow, this summer, this life may be duty and motivation and hard, bloody hard work-- but tonight I will dine on the delectability of what I choose not to regret, and tonight I will sit, dry-eyed and pensive, and tonight I will watch the world burn.

The world has changed, since last I looked on it. The trees are different now; maybe greener, maybe fuller, maybe happier. The water--it slurps cheerfully along its swollen river banks and tows the winter's casualties with it. The earth crumbles and pastes, instead of stiffly yielding spittle of rock and ice and dust.

perhaps it is just me that has changed. perhaps it is just my world which has turned upside down.

Because I am leaving once more. Am I not always leaving? Am I not forever saying "goodbye, it was nice knowing you, you are dead to me now?" But this time will be different. This time, I will come back to what I know to be dead to me. This time, I will return and live in the emotional decay and graveyard of people I have already resigned myself to leaving and never looking back to--and even one person, whose memory's gravestone I will visit every time I do anything I love in this city. One person who can never live again, whom I cannot afford to give life to, whom I have no choice but to bid farewell, forever and goodbye.

I had my last dance tonight. It was good. It left me missing. I will not bury this one thing. I may put the others aside in a tight little box, all secured against the unsteady tide of reaction, but this one I will leave in peace, as it left me peaceful.

Or as peaceful as a world turned on its axis ever can be.

Can I just sleep now, please?

Is it too late to refund responsibility?

I don't want to be sitting here learning about pre-med. I don't want to be in labs, stressing all the time because I have too much on my plate. I don't even think I want to be in medicine at all. Its too nerve-wracking, and makes me feel stretched like a rope that keeps on tensing and tensing and pulling and getting thinner until one day it just frays in two. If Labs are me working under pressure (as it will be under pressure in med-school), how can I possibly find ANY enjoyment out of doing this the rest of my life?

Right now, I would like nothing more than to study languages and history and people, and have a smooth life which does NOT involve sequestering myself away from all of humanity in order to do well.

But then I have to ask myself if this is just the result of a long, tiring day, or is it a constant? Am I just wanting to opt out of something I would love because it is too hard in this moment, or is it really a sign that I should not be studying this?

I was sitting in Physics on last wednesday, and the professor was talking about how if you want answers like "what does it mean to be human", or "why am I here", you should be in philosophy, but if you want answers to questions like "why does a leaf fall to the ground", or "what is the total mass in the galaxy," you should be in Physics.

Want to know a secret? I despaired in that moment, because I realised that I wanted to know about what it means to be human now. I don't want to learn about what happens when a human falls off a cliff, when I don't even know what makes a human!

I'd like to find out if I ought to be taking these classes before the workload kills me, please.

(why can't I just travel the world, meet people, explore, and live life? Why school? Why pointless jobs? Stupid rules!)

O brain, be silent, be still, give me peace.

No more thoughts!

there are a lot of times, especialy lately, when I've wondered why it is that God has chosen to bless me the way He has. If you look at history, there are so many people that lived horrid lives, in squalor, famine, slavery, war. Why wasn't I killed in the Hiroshima bombing? Why wasn't I a peasant in Frace during the 100 years war? Why am I not a sex slave in Thailand? Why has God chosen to give so much good in my life?

and I don't know. I don't understand.

But it is a powerful responsibility. And it frightens me, sometimes. I've been given so many gifts-- in my upbringing, my experiences, and so much more-- and to squander them or discount them or not live up to them? How can I possibly justify all the petty things I do or the lazy lifestyle I lead when I have so much opportunity? I mean, I have a Bible! And I have time! And I'm literate and in an environment that supports this and oh!

I just don't know.

Need

Listen. If ever you loved someone young and idealistic, listen, and be still for their sake. Hold these words, this plea, softly in your calloused palm as a tribute to the first awakenings of a calling, the stirrings of an obsession, a need. When your life seems to have nestled into a comfortable, warm nest, remember the moments when it danced and fluttered within you like a small, scared bird—so ready to fly, so filled with an inner urge to soar, but so instinctively afraid of the fall. Remember, and hear my aching voice.

I have a dream. I have a dream that would take flight on fragile, untried wings. I have a dream that would send me soaring into crystalline blue, soft with the dust of clouds. Will you listen to this, the sound of my heart within my chest?

I dream of a world where I can be spent, utterly and completely. I dream of a world where I can be needed, and can give myself fully over to that need until there is no room left for my own self to need. Can you give this to me?

I dream of a world where I can be brave, and can be calm in the face of danger. I dream of a world where I can be a hero, and save lives. I dream of a world where I can weep helplessly, knowing I did everything in my power and still failed to heal the unfixable. I dream of a world where I may spend my life to give others their own. Can you take me there?

I wish nothing more than to save you. Will you let me do this?

Reluctantly, resentfully--I will

It begins as a whisper, ghosting its way across my knuckles and settling momentarily to tantalise the soft pads of my fingertips. write. The itch worms itself in between creases on my thumprint. write. But I cannot, and I will not. It costs too much. Can no one see that I am empty of words? Can no one see how it pains me to see them used so carelessly? I cannot use what has already been so ruthlessly exploited. I cannot cultivate a war-torn land. I cannot heal when I am myself unfixed. And so the insistent, chattering wiggle in my fingers dulls to a mournful ache: please, it begs. But I am harder now, colder and more brittle than before. No, I reply, and the singing dims to a soft keen.

It comes as a wave, now--gathering, draining, pulling all attention and energy to it before launching towards my weakened resolve: write! it cries out. you've done so before, why do you reject what once was a friend? why will you not take up your pen? when did a coward take the soul of you and cheapen it? But I cannot! and I shout it to the star-shattered heavens, I cannot write! I have lost something, and it cannot be found. I have lost the words, and they will not come. I have hurt them, and they remain hidden from me; their roughened edges gleam with fearful tears and silence. I turn my sorrowed gaze on the hands which so softly shake beneath my wistful scrutinty. but we perish, they cry, and I nod, solemn and suddenly empty--I know.

It deepens into a fire, bright golden strands of want flickering up my arms in a glorious burn of sunset. It cannot speak anymore, silent in its glorious blaze, but it scorches my soul with its need. Tendrils drift closer in accusation, and I am forced to turn my gaze from their consuming pleas. No. Quieter, more softly, but no less firm.

It sinks into my skin as the very night, stars kissing each freckle and settling into the grooves of every knuckle and crease. It does not speak. It does not beg. It clings, and somehow this angers me more than the accusations and demands. Go away, I demand, malevolence colouring every attempt to flick it from my skin. You're not wanted. Find someone else to toy with. But still it lingers, nestling all the more snugly into the curves of my fingerprints. I almost wish it would speak now, because then this doubt would not linger, this small seed of wonderment--what if?

No! I shout, and I flee, and run as fast as I have ever run. You cannot make me!

It finds me in my bed, comfortable with pillows and toasted shades of yellow and brown. It perches on the edge of the bed and I watch it, wary. And yet, it does not lunge towards my bare feet poking out from the blanket, nor slink towards my unguarded elbow. I give it a warning frown and return to my book, gaze still flickering back every now and again.

It was an accident. It was trickery. But I fell for it--no, dived for it with every fibre of my being when I saw that small whisper tumble--startled!--off the edge of the bed: No!I cried out, and leapt from the top of the bed to catch, to hold, to save, to cradle this small fragile thing in my arms as we both crash to the floor in a bloody bruised tangle. I wait a moment, scarcely daring amid my frightened gasps to believe what I have done, what I have admitted. Carefully, gently, I pull my arms away from my body, scarcely daring to hope or fear or feel anything at all--

oh! I murmer, as it blinks up at me with a beautific warmth, contentment radiating from every cherished pore of its needy self. Please, comes the faintest breeze, soft, faint, and filled with hope. And something breaks in me which was once broken before, a long time ago. And I swallow hard.

And I nod shakily.

And I take up my pen, and write.