All crisp and Right, all the way to my bones

There's something about Autumn that makes me feel clean in a way that nothing else ever quite does. There is a certain rawness to the air, a certain vulnerability which clings to the dying warmth of summer and bleeds out until Winter saunters in. I can be alive in my brokenness; I can be whole in my deadened senses. While all the world is dying around me and fluttering to the ground in a brittle last sigh, my soul awakes and surges in sheer wonder at being reborn after a long sauna of a summer.

In some ways, it seems as though I am finally waking up after a year of North Carolina--a very long, sleepy, haze-filled year. I was in too many places last year, despite staying in North Carolina the whole time. My mind was wandering worlds, and while it still roams the universe and foreign soil indiscriminately even today, the difference is that last year it did not know how to find it's way home, because home was in too many dimensions. This year, there is a home to return to. Surprisingly, that home is Cary--home for happy little socialite wanna-be-southerners-but-still-wanna-be-yankees-too upper-class American Dream Caryites. I'm not bitter, I promise. I'm amazed at the back-seat my snobishness is taking in allowing myself to settle here. But the truth is, I know that there is a time--coming soon, much sooner than I suspect, I imagine--when I will look back on these days (these cooling, flickering Autumn evenings of spice on the wind and crunch underfoot) and I will miss them, in that oddly tender way that I miss too many things and too many places. I thought the last of my childhood was stripped in Podunajske Biskupice. I was wrong: I think Cary lets me be a child still, but I know that time is coming to a close.

For now, though--for now, I will pay my dues at work, and pay my dues to school and loans, and in any time that is left, I will shirk responsibility for house and home and will instead flee to my outdoors--where my sun and my clouds and adventure await, loping alongside me like a favourite dog. I will have sleepovers and stay up far too late watching films and talking over a bottle of wine and pudding. I will disappear for hours to spend with my boyfriend. And I will know that I am merely racing against time--it is the Autumn of my childhood, for there's no knowing which day you will wake up and find it Winter. But after all, Autumn is the most alive time of year--my childhood awaits, crisp and bright and spicy on the nighttime air. I tuck my arms in closer and shove my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket and I walk briskly into the chilling embers of summer. It is so easy to be alive sometimes.